Saturday, January 1, 2005

How I'll deal with my new parents if they pull the wrong moves on me

So far, my parents and siblings have been good to me. Maybe they're treating me well because it's my birthday. That breakfast of pancakes, bacon, and fruits seemed pretty fine and dandy, but I was expecting something more "ethnic" from my new parents. If they're Japanese and Korean, why not make something from there?

If they discipline me too harshly

Anyways, I'm sure that with being five years old now, they'll rail all sorts of unsavory discipline on me. I do have a plan though, for if they overstep their bounds too much: I'll report them to my teachers or their family friends. I only want to villainize my parents if, and ONLY if, they cross some lines with me.

If a babysitter does

If any babysitter of mine turns out to be like Mrs. Trunchbull from the Matilda book, I think I'll call Child Protective Services on her. Their hotline is 800-342-3720. (In my previous life, one of my elementary teachers read Matilda to my class. I also watched the movie adaptation a few years later.)

If my Mom tries to overstep some societal bounds on me

One great example: Parents sometimes take children of the opposite gender into a public restroom. If my new dad isn't present, and my new mom is about to take me in one, I'll tell her that she's overstepping her bounds with society and that I should wait in the hall. Understandably, she'll want me to stay safe with her to avoid getting kidnapped.

Well, she can ask a lady senior citizen to watch me then. They can be trusted most, can they not? Under all circumstances though, is Mom not to take me into a women's restroom. If she's about to force me in there, I plan to fake a stranger's reaction and say, "Hey, lady! Where are ya takin' me? I don't know you, I want my parents!" Then look at other adults and say, "Hey, why's this strange lady takin' me into her restroom?"

Hopefully I'll not need to pull that kind of move on her. It's just so embarrassing to get pulled into a women's restroom. Those ideas are pretty cruel. I think I love my new mom too much to pull that kind of move on her.

(As an afterthought, maybe I should keep a blindfold in my pocket so that when Mom is about to bring me into a women's restroom, I'll need not see any of it.)

Other developments

My birthday party is at Noon, so in a little while. I expect my "friends" to be no older than Kindergarten age, so I'll be forced to deal with that cesspit of immaturity for a while, and participate and be the star of some inane games. Instead of "Pin the tail on this creature," why not a game of Halo? Man, I miss those X-Box parties!

Also, I'm afraid of how they'll react when they figure out that I don't know any of their names. I can't tell them that I've suffered a body switch! I could tell them that yesterday's illness that my parents told me about, caused me amnesia, but they won't even know what "amnesia" is. I'm coming up on quite a predicament here. What am I ever going to do?

Anyways, may God help me deal with the immaturities of any little tyke I come across. I hope he helps me skip grades too, so I can leave all their behavioral shortcomings behind as quickly as possible.

Now, I'm going to formulate an allowance plan for myself, and my siblings. I hope it turns out to be fair and equitable for us all.

Wish me well in my second childhood!

-Tanaka Shimoya

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